6 Worst Cruises in History

Cruising. Just kicking it back in the Caribbean with a colourful cocktail, listening to some jerk from Florida tell you how he picked his trophy wife while a band plays foxtrot versions of Coldplay’s latest 45 in the background as the soundtrack to the last weeks of a rich old chick’s final romance with a heartless scoundrel with his eye on an inheritance. Sounds idyllic, right? Yeah – that’s until Poseidon, God of Oceans, turns up to kick your ass. He doesn’t care how big your boat is, you’re disturbing his watery slumbers and must pay. IN BLOOD. Or at least by suffering some violent lateral motion.

The Oceanos

So you’re chillin’ out maxin, relaxin’ real cool when the ship starts to tip to the left faster than Hugo Chavez. At first you think it’s just those cool, cool margeritas you chugged down while trying to catch the eye of the pretty greek waitress. Then all of a sudden you find yourself dangling from the railings and you realise this goes way beyond drunk. In fact, you’re aboard the Oceanos. And not only is the ship sinking, but the crew and captain have already absconded without telling you. Unbelievably, this is what the passengers of the ship found themselves facing in 1999 when Captain Arvanas and his crew got off the ship even before many of the passengers were alerted. Luckily for the passengers, nobody died after merchant shipping and helicopters were alerted to the unfolding disaster. Unluckily for Captain Arvanas he was found guilty of negligence by the Greek Maritime Board.

The Titanic

Yeah yeah. Not only are going to drown in the inky black waters of the arctic circle, but one day a long necked Canadian’s going to rape your memory in song. The prototype of the shitty cruise, The Titanic’s maiden voyage had it all – unimaginable luxury, fur coats, diamonds, Kate Winslet nude and various ethnic minorities to wait hand and foot on your white ass. But Evil Capitalist Pigs decreed that spending money on luxuries like, you know, lifeboats and stuff . We think that even Rupert Murdoch might blanch at a dick move of that magnitude.

The Sapphire Princess Impales a Whale

Everyone likes kebabs, right? OK so they taste better after a beer or three but putting meat on a spike is the eating style of the future (you heard it here first). There’s always some douche looking to go one better than the next guy, and there’s no bigger douche than the captain of the Sapphire Princess cruise ship, who hauled into Vancouver with a sperm whale speared on the front of his boat. We like to think he leapt ashore and triumphantly urinated on the quayside, but there’s no evidence that that ever happened.

Your bet has been cancelled…

Casinos are pretty sharp operators. After Clooney and Pitt cleaned them out 3 times in the last decade, they’ve tightened up procedures and have a host of new ways to scam customers out of their hard-earned. This was taken to its logical conclusion aboard the Crown Princess. When some cardshark started winning big, the captain turned his ship into a monster wave in the ultimate dick move – almost tipping the ship over. Despite the many broken limbs, croupiers were said to be ‘relieved’.

Grand Voyager

We don’t care how good your “sea legs” are – in weather like this, you’re going to be hurling chunks

Tom Cruise

Did you see what we did there? Did you? Har-di-har!