7 Top Tips for the Modern Supervillain

Supervillains have a tough time of it. If they’re not getting unmasked or drowned or lasered or frozen in space, they’re raging impotently from the back of a prison van as they are driven away for a 20 stretch in the local pen. But let’s be honest: sympathy is pretty thin on the ground when they keep making the same tertiary mistakes.

So if you’re planning a life of supervillainy, here’s a handy cutout ‘n’ keep guide to some common pitfalls.

1. Seek alternative employment

Superpower: can lose weight almost at will. Wealth: untold billions

So you fell into a vat of radioactive carrots when you were on the run from the police and have mysteriously acquired carrot-like characteristics. We get it: you harbour a grudge and can’t wait to use your new-found powers to accumulate a little wealth and fame. But ask yourself this. Wouldn’t a lifetime of daytime TV, personal appearances and autobiographies be an easier path to notoriety than rigging Paris with a nuclear device in the hope of acquiring the Mona Lisa? Hell – it worked for Oprah, and her superpower is Short Term Weight Loss.

Because, unbeknown to you, that DNA splice has not only left you prone to irrational mood swings and megalomania, but you’re allergic to water or the sun or some fucking thing. Superheroes have a keen eye for detail like that, and as soon as they realise they can finish you for good with two wires and a car battery it’s Goodbye World Domination and Hello Shower Rape.

2. Choose sidekicks wisely

Note: cannot beat Superman

If you’re taking on Superman you have limited options to beat him. Aside from a weakness to Kryptonite, he can fly, look through walls, laser things with his eyes, supercool stuff with his breath and all kinds of totally wack shit. He’s not going to be easy to beat.

Maybe you could start by thinking about really big fucking robots with lasers, nuclear weapons or moving the Earth from its orbit something. And to carry off a scheme like that you’re going to need access to top scientific insight and manpower.

Be honest with yourself: choosing a guy who got assraped by yokels or found himself serving time because he got framed by a guy dressed as a woodpecker just isn’t going to cut the mustard. Being the smartest guy in the room might be gratifying, but brainstorming with an idiot in inadvisable trousers is a first class ticket to a beatdown.

3. Just kill him already!

Against all odds, you’ve trapped Batman and Robin in a basement somewhere and tied them back to back. Sure – allow yourself 10 minutes to preen and deliver a dreary exposition: you deserve it. Now just shoot them! By leaving their fate to a Heath-Robinson contrivance that relies on the alignment of candles with rope or time-released gas, you’re giving your enemies time to pull toothpicks from their utility belts or put moves on your girlfriend (see point 4)

4. Don’t trust chicks

Chicks eh? If they’re not hanging around the place disparaging your plans or generally menstruating everywhere they often teeter on the brink of an unhealthy fascination with your foe. You might have the smarts and cool that evil brings, but chances are that half your face was burned off in a chemical spillage or your DNA is spliced with a lizard. So leaving her alone with a buff guy in tights is playing with fire. Even the promise of skin-hugging outfits and a ludicrously sized diamond isn’t going to stop her feminine instincts kicking in when you decide to incinerate a school bus or drown a guy with abs to die for.

More often than not, her female weakness will see her tip off your nemesis or free him from peril so stick with guys.

5. Don’t rely on politicians

The rest of the world wised up to this about 60 years ago. You can’t trust politicians to stay true to their word. They’re only looking out for number 1 and that next batch of approval ratings. If you don’t end up having to shoot them in their own office just to prove a point, they’ll only stab you in back later on when they realise that the dead can’t vote and your plan to flood the city means the Democrats might get in. You’re radioactive for Chrissakes! Why wait for the mayoral elections or blow your hard-earned cash on bribing some pencil-pusher from City Hall to realise your evil ambition? Promise the voters subsidised public transport, put on a light show and shortcut the whole fucking process like the rest of them.

6. Set a shorter fuse

You can boil an egg in 4 minutes and father a child in 2 (including foreplay). So why take 24 hours to set off an explosive device? You might feel like a king while you’re watching the remorseless countdown and have plenty of opportunity to stride around the battlements cackling to yourself, but thanks to cutting edge modern technology like, err, radio you could set the whole thing off from a safe distance in a heartbeat.

This massively minimises the risk of superheroes locating your hidden lair or having time to communicate with a sidekick to figure out which wire to cut.

7. Location, location, location

Wichita welcomes all Supervillains to Crimexpo

Yeah. New York’s going to make for a pretty funky backdrop for your crimes – especially if you’ve got a good penthouse apartment from which you can plan your dastardly schemes. And sure, like Gotham, there’s bound to be lots of high society types walking home from the opera pretty much every night in ermine and pearls on which you can prey.

But put these thoughts from your mind. New York is not only home to easy pickings and colourfully garbed taxi drivers, but is also the stomping ground of Spiderman. Even if you’ve got more arms than him and are made out of metal, he’s a resourceful foe who will somehow find a way to send you to the bottom of the Hudson before going home to snack on Kirsten Dunst’s face.

So try somewhere less glamourous where your main opposition is going to be some fat guy in a blue serge uniform who can’t get his gun out without spilling doughnuts over his lap. Seattle or even old London Town have plenty of wealth (think: Microsoft HQ or The Queen) but are refreshingly free of bespandexed do-gooders to foil your machinations. Immigration controls tend to be tight for half men/half wolf creatures so choose carefully if you don’t want your ass getting fingered at the airport.

In a nutshell: accept that inferior cultural institutions and lower real estate values are the price you’ll have to pay to acquire that precious diamond.

Happy crimespreeing!