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Gonad Eating Fish Heading to the UK

The testicle-eating fish nicknamed the “ball-cutter” is thought to be heading to the UK to sample some of our juicy nuts! Men have been warned against skinny dipping in UK waters and keep to wearing tight, banana hammocks to protect their most prized possession from this bollock crazy fish when in the water.

The Pacu fish, which is native to South America is a fresh water fish which has somehow made its way to Europe, it has been spotted in Sweden and now France. Authorities in France caught the fish in the River Seine in Paris, it measured 1ft, although it’s not known whether it was flying solo or if there are more. The Pacu fish gets lonely so tends to travel in groups. Due to the French’s poor hygiene habits one can only presume other Pacu will be heading to the cleaner waters of the UK.

Its human esque nashers makes it look like a piranha (which it is related to) with the mouth of Pete Burns. Both the Pacu and the Dead or Alive singer have dingle berry loving in common, according to Fish expert Henrik Carl: “They bite because they’re hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth.” We presume that he is talking about the fish here.

Reports from South America state that the Pacu fish which can grow up in 35in and weigh up to 55lb has bitten off the family jewels of a fisherman, who then bled to death. Henrik Carl the Fish expert said: “It normally eats nuts, fruit and small fish, but human testicles are just a natural target.” And “it’s got quite a serious bite”.

So for now UK men are advised to keep their protein packs protected.

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