Perverted poltergeist terrorises granny

73 year old grandma, Doris Birch, of Herne Bay, claims she is being haunted by a groping poltergeist as she tries to sleep. She says: “It’s like an octopus groping me. I was lying in bed when I felt this creepy pair of hands. I kicked frantically and it went away.”

The grandmother says she began experiencing the night-time naughtiness in her flat four months ago. She said: “It’s like an octopus. I was lying in bed when I felt this creepy pair of hands. I kicked frantically and it went away. I’ve tried sleeping without the duvet. But it started shaking my mattress. I even threw the mattress off the bed and bought a new one but it has made no difference. This is very creepy and is giving me the jitters. It’s harassing me. I need to call in the Ghostbusters.”

Worried about the disturbances Mrs Birch, who lives alone, consulted a vicar who believes the disturbances are being caused by a ‘lost spirit. However Methodist Minister Hugh-Nigel Sheehan of the nearby United Church was unable to help. So now she is seeking the experts of local husband-and-wife ghost hunting team to get rid of the perverted poltergeist.

Spirit medium Ray Herne says he will draw the ghost into him while his wife Beryl will capture it in a ‘vortex of light’ and send it to the ‘other side’.

Canterbury City Council’s Head of Housing, Larissa Laing, said: “The council has a duty of care and will respond to any complaints or concerns experienced by our tenants. Therefore even though we have received no similar reports from residents living in Margaret Court I’m more than happy to meet Doris Birch and discuss her situation.”

Ghostbusters Picture

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